Divorcing a Narcissist in Illinois

How do you divorce a high-conflict spouse in Illinois?

You build the case on conduct and evidence, not on labels. An Illinois court does not decide what personality type your spouse has. It decides property, support and parenting from the evidence, and in parenting decisions it does not consider a parent's conduct that does not affect that parent's relationship to the child (750 ILCS 5/602.7(c); 750 ILCS 5/602.5(e)).

This guide uses "high-conflict" to describe behavior, not a diagnosis. Common examples include constant hostile messages, refusing to follow agreements, withholding financial information, blaming the other parent in front of the children, or using the children to carry messages. Any of these can matter in court when they are shown with evidence.

Illinois divorce is no-fault: the ground is irreconcilable differences that have caused the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage (750 ILCS 5/401(a)). You do not have to prove misconduct to get divorced. See is Illinois a no-fault divorce state for what that means in practice.

Keep records the court can use

Keep organized, dated records of what happens, so you can show a judge facts instead of describing feelings. Short, factual entries made close to the time are more useful than long accounts written months later.

Written communication

Keep messages in writing and save complete threads, not screenshots of single lines. Keep a simple log of missed exchanges, late pickups and schedule changes, with dates and times. A private timeline for your lawyer helps too.

Do not secretly record conversations. Under Illinois law, knowingly and intentionally using a device in a surreptitious manner to record a private conversation you are part of, without the consent of all other parties, is eavesdropping (720 ILCS 5/14-2(a)(2)). Recording a private conversation you are not part of, or secretly intercepting or recording private electronic communications you are not a party to, can also be eavesdropping (14-2(a)(1), (3)). Talk with a lawyer before you record anyone.

Financial records

Gather tax returns, pay stubs and bank statements early. A request for temporary support must be supported by a financial affidavit, and that affidavit must be backed by documents such as income tax returns, pay stubs and banking statements (750 ILCS 5/501(a)(1)). If a party intentionally or recklessly files an inaccurate or misleading financial affidavit, the court shall impose significant penalties and sanctions, including costs and attorney's fees.

If property is being hidden or moved, either party may ask for a temporary restraining order or preliminary injunction, supported by an affidavit showing a factual basis. It can restrain a person from transferring, encumbering, concealing or otherwise disposing of property, except in the usual course of business or for the necessities of life (501(a)(2)(i)). See our guide to a motion for temporary relief.

Set communication rules

Ask for written communication rules, in temporary orders or in the parenting plan, so contact is predictable and documented. Useful rules say how, when and about what the parents communicate.

Co-parenting apps and written schedules

A parenting plan can do more than set a schedule. It must include provisions requiring each parent to notify the other of emergencies, health care, travel plans and other significant child-related issues, and provisions for communications with the child, including electronic communications, during the other parent's parenting time (750 ILCS 5/602.10(f)(9), (11)). It can also include any other provision that addresses the child's best interests or will help the parents cooperate (602.10(f)(15)).

One practical approach is a single written channel, such as email or a co-parenting app, with short messages limited to the children. Our guide to co-parenting versus parallel parenting compares the two approaches.

When abuse is involved

Conflict is not the same as abuse. If you or your children are in danger, call 911. If the court finds that a family or household member has abused the petitioner, an order of protection prohibiting the abuse shall issue when the other requirements are met (750 ILCS 60/214(a)). Our order of protection page explains how it works.

A parenting plan normally lists each parent's address and workplace. That personal information is not required if there is evidence of, or the plan states, a history of domestic violence or abuse (602.10(f)).

Build a detailed parenting plan

Detail leaves less room for argument. At a minimum, an Illinois parenting plan must allocate significant decision-making and set each parent's parenting time, through a schedule of where the child lives on given days or a formula detailed enough to be enforced in a later proceeding (602.10(f)(1), (2)).

Exchanges, holidays and decision-making

Write down exchange times and places, who drives, holiday and school break rotations, and how schedule changes are requested. The plan must include transportation arrangements between the parents (602.10(f)(10)). For decisions, the court considers factors that include the parents' ability to cooperate to make decisions, or the level of conflict that may affect their ability to share decision-making (602.5(c)(4)). The court allocates each significant issue, such as education or health, to one or both parents (602.5(b)), so a plan can divide decisions issue by issue and fewer of them need agreement.

Mediation and its limits

Parents must file a proposed parenting plan within 120 days after service or the filing of a petition for allocation of parental responsibilities, and the court can extend that time for good cause (602.10(a)). The court shall order mediation to help the parents form or carry out a plan, unless it determines that impediments to mediation exist (602.10(c)). If there has been abuse or intimidation, tell your lawyer and the court before mediation is scheduled.

What judges weigh in high-conflict custody cases

Judges apply the best-interest factors in the statute to the evidence. For parenting time, the court considers all relevant factors, including several that speak directly to conflict (602.7(b)):

• the distance between the parents' homes, the child's and parents' daily schedules, and the parents' ability to cooperate in the arrangement;
• each parent's willingness and ability to place the child's needs ahead of their own;
• each parent's willingness and ability to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing relationship between the other parent and the child; and
• any physical violence or threat of violence by a parent against the child or a household member, and any abuse against the child or a household member.

Willingness to support the other parent's relationship

The factor about encouraging the child's relationship with the other parent looks at each parent's own conduct. Keeping your messages civil, following the schedule and keeping the children out of adult disputes is evidence on that factor. If the other parent is turning a child against you, see our parental alienation page.

Guardians ad litem and evaluations

The court may, on its own motion or a party's motion, appoint a guardian ad litem. The guardian ad litem investigates the facts, interviews the child and the parties, and, unless the court directs otherwise, submits a written report or recommendations at least 30 days before a final hearing or trial (750 ILCS 5/506(a)(2)). The guardian ad litem may be called as a witness for cross-examination on the report. See the role of a guardian ad litem.

The court may also interview the child in chambers, and it may seek the written advice of a professional to help determine the child's best interests (750 ILCS 5/604.10(a), (b)). Read how a mental health evaluation can come up in a custody case.

When the other parent ignores the parenting schedule

File a petition to enforce allocated parenting time. The petition sets out the terms of the plan or order, the nature of the violation with dates, and that a reasonable attempt was made to resolve the dispute (750 ILCS 5/607.5(b)).

If the court finds by a preponderance of the evidence that a parent did not comply with allocated parenting time, it can order makeup parenting time, counseling, a parental education program, a bond, a finding of contempt, a civil fine per incident and reimbursement of expenses (607.5(c)). Except for good cause shown, the court shall also order the non-complying parent to pay the other parent's reasonable attorney's fees, court costs and expenses. If the court finds no violation, it may order the parent who filed to pay the other parent's fees (607.5(d)).

Court order enforcement at the firm is an individually quoted upfront amount plus $350 per hour. See our family court order enforcement page.

Getting help with a high-conflict divorce

A lawyer can organize your evidence, ask for the temporary orders and plan terms that reduce conflict, and present your case. Our Chicago divorce lawyer page explains how the firm handles divorces, and our child custody page covers parenting cases, in Chicago and Cook, DuPage, Lake and Will Counties, from the firm's office in Chicago.

Full representation is an initial payment of $1,500 to $2,500, then $500 to $650 per month beginning 30 days after the initial payment while representation remains active. Limited scope help covers drafting from $500 and one hearing appearance from $1,200. Fees are confirmed in writing before you engage the firm, and no lawyer can promise a particular result.

Consultations are by phone; a free weekend consultation is available by Zoom. Call 312-965-5618.